Recently, I’ve been through a roller coaster of emotions surrounding my past, especially my childhood, and I don’t think I am alone in this! I have talked to several people who are working through and dealing with old traumas in their lives. For me, much of my trauma came from my childhood. My father was abusive in all ways and my mother chose to leave when I was only 4. My siblings and I were raised by my father, please understand, he was broken by his experiences too. We never knew a lot about the years before us but, recently, I found out that much of what we did think we knew, was untrue! I knew there were a lot of lies surrounding his life and his early years, but I had no idea just how much. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to assimilate this information, fortunately I’ve spent years working though my feelings and emotions surrounding my father and my childhood, and this has been much easier on me than it would have been a few years ago. I was not devastated by this new information. I feel sadness that my father never felt comfortable or loved enough, in his life, to tell the truth about his past.
My father was amazing at times, and other times he was my worst nightmare come to life. He could be loving and supportive when he chose to be; he could also be violent and venomous when caught in the wrong mood. My childhood helped me to develop my intuition and communication with Spirit! When his mood turned, I would allow myself to drift away mentally, an attempt to escape what was happening around me and to me. It became a game with my siblings and I to see if we could tell his mood before we walked into the house. We always came in quietly, never knowing what we were walking into. As a child, I had no control over my life and my experiences, unfortunately most of those experiences were not good. I can remember being very young, maybe 7 or 8, and swearing that when I was grown, I would never be made to do anything that I didn’t agree with again.
After childhood, I began to “take charge” of relationships and situations in my life. I always thought I needed to be in control and I could not stand to feel as though things were hidden from me. I couldn’t fully trust anyone and it made me have constant doubts and suspicions, especially in relationships. Once my trust was broken, I lost interest quickly, I built walls around my emotions, I would stop expressing myself and bottle things up until I exploded. These are just a few examples of the way that my trauma played out in my everyday life, without me ever knowing it!!
I spent years, ultimately, battling against myself. I wrecked friendships and relationships alike because I couldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable in any way. I never saw my own damage in it either. I always saw what someone else had done. I wasn’t willing to look at my own issues. Like most people, I was asleep and unable/unwilling to see my own darkness. Please understand that when I speak of darkness, I am speaking of our negative baggage, the things that hold us back from our Purpose and our Highest Good. I am talking about the things that we have internalized through the years that make us feel unable or unworthy of success in any area of our lives.
When I started my Spiritual Journey, I realized that, the only way that you can reach a closer relationship with the Divine, is to reach a closer relationship with yourself. You are Divine and the Divine lives within you. To hear and reach it, you must face your own darkness and clean out your baggage. That’s what it’s all about! I have spent years cleaning up my baggage, and still find hidden little pockets or startling new epiphanies about my actions. We are always learning and growing. Now, a lot of us buck at the idea of looking at our own shortcomings, but when you can see them, and know where they came from and what caused them, you can release them and change the behaviors and actions!! It’s such a wonderful feeling to heal, and see your outer world change with your inner world!
Releasing your old baggage can be hard to do! Sometimes we need help, we need someone who knows how to “trigger” us so that we can release all that pent-up anger and hurt, all the self-doubt and fear. I was blessed to have several mentors along my path that acted as “triggers” for me. I have learned to let go, much more than I used to, and I have learned to see beauty in my flaws. I have learned that all those bits and pieces make me Divinely Unique and I am thankful, for both the pain and the joy. I accept my experiences as both victim and aggressor, but I do not identify as either of these things. So many times, we get lost in the labels that our experiences come with. We become lost in the programming of society and we internalize these negative labels and thoughts. When we learn to release these labels and the expectations that come with them, we can begin to grow and move past them. We begin to love ourselves enough to see, that we are more than our experiences.
I have learned to “trigger” myself as well, when I recognize a negative behavior that I do not like within myself I work to find its source. When we do this and we ask our Guides, Ascended Masters, Angels, and Higher Selves to help us find and release these damaging behaviors, we begin to understand ourselves better. With better understanding, comes more acceptance of ourselves. If I hadn’t released the trauma of my past, the news about my father that I’ve recently learned, would have destroyed me. I would feel lost and without a physical source because technically, I don’t know where my father came from, I don’t know anything about his childhood. All that I thought I knew was untrue. I have released enough of my old trauma, that I can see clearly, and I know that ultimately, it doesn’t really change anything. It only helps me to better understand the damage that my father had. By seeing his damage, I release my own damage as well and it becomes a Cycle of Healing. That’s what we want to create within our lives, a Cycle of Healing.
Releasing our past and recognizing our damage isn’t easy but it is so worth the work that you put into it! Its emotional and it’s hard sometimes but those are the things that you benefit from the most. Now, I help other’s work through their Emotional Trauma and release it. I found a way to use my experiences to help others, and that’s what we are all here to do, in one way or another. Do you need help releasing your trauma? Are you stuck in the cycle without being able to see the way out? If so, I’m here to help! Know that you aren’t alone, we are all learning and progressing every day. It is a process and everyone is going at exactly the pace they need to for their own evolution. Until next time, Keep experiencing and Keep Growing.